My Old Stories

Feel like to ask about her but my tongue numbs. Feel like to tell her the truth about me but the situation doesn’t allow.

I was very embarrassed and felt challenged when my elegant words were not answered. Whatever, it had happened, it really had happened. My heart asked should I get the sweetness of loving with her back like before?

Is this the right thing to do? I said once again. While when I look at myself I realize that I am not good enough to be with her. I have too many weaknesses and unable to give any benefit to her. Moreover, I am adding up her burden. But does she realize?

Everything becomes frozen even more, when she wanted to change without asking me to change with her at all. Feeling extremely embarrassed. As if I didn’t have any feeling to change, and as if I intentionally wanted to bring her to a way that disregard The Only One.

I let she change with her way, even though we have changed together once before, after communicating too much. Although just for a while, it was still considered as a good try. I let her though, I let and I let her!

Whatsoever, my self principle still holds on and never will I let it loose. And never will
I weakened by being called ‘woman’. I will answer to it firmly, hoping that it will not be misinterpreted, neither my heart becoming ‘anti’, nor I antipathy.

But I just want to take care of this heart, so that it’s not sinning again. Only Allah knows everything. May He give me the strength to be persistent in preserving this quality in me.

And I also bear the principle; that I will channel the feeling of love between beings named human through a permissible way. I found this new principle after a heart crisis happened which I suppose too heavy to pass through.

After she turned away from me, I started to realize and I will not repeat things as before; loving without a valid bond, uttering poems that charming the heart. I will leave everything! May Allah preserve me; a weak person. I ask forgiveness from You Yaa ALLAH!!

And if I am destined to fall in love in the future, my love will neither on lust nor material bases. But a love which the Deen is its basis. I ask from Him so that my love will be preserved for sins.

That if only she is still looking at me. Otherwise, I will admit and grateful to Allah for freeing me from the unsolved dilemma. It’s so heavy but I have to take it.

A more meaningful love to me in the future is a love which marriage is the aim. I truly want that my love is protected from destroying lies.

If there is really a feeling of love, I will not serve her as a queen in a royal palace again if there is no valid relationship. The past experience is enough. I failed to remember Allah because too much keeping in touch with human through the modern technology of the late era.

I will not use that modern technology again if there is no important matter. I myself too afraid another unintended mistake is happening again.

From this moment, if really there is a feeling of love inside me, I will use middle persons. I will propose to her family. What my and her family and my gurus in pondok say verily is good for me. I will accept with a sincere heart if her heart still wants to be with me. If not, my own missions and struggles are more meaningful to me than everything.

I will not prioritizing ranks, beautiful faces or wealth. What am I looking for from a human called woman (wife) is that her affection to me is for the sake of Allah, love and her obedient are for Allah, her misses and example is the Prophet s.a.w.

Hoping that my facilitation to bring her to the way that please Allah is with her own initiative too ( not to receive facilitation in a rebellious and insincere way).

Expecting me and with her too to straighten the bend inside her. Able to educate y children to be righteous persons to Allah.

I’m hoping that this saying of mine will be a guide for her. Truly, I love her very much. But Allah knows best and hopefully it brings benefit to her.

“I ask for His Forgiveness upon this saying of mine. Hope that all giving is consented and all mistakes are pardoned. May Allah please upon everything.